i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
