Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
