It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
