i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
