Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
