there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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