Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
