How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
