So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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