Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
