I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
