Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
