Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm really busy with my period
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