take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
