I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just tell him i said nine months
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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