so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
