Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
