Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
