for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
