you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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