every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
