Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You ruined the universe
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
