This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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