please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
