they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Randomize
