mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
