I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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