was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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