Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
