Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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