and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Boobs speak an international language.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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