if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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