it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
