Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
