This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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