oh god the rape fog is back!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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