I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
