When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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