At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
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