My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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