im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
