you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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