I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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