Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
