These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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