Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
