You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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