True but thats because hes a fetus.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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