the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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