btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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